Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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