is your mom at the bar?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
