There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
