Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize