I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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