Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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