I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
