I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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