I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
