Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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