I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
