this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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