Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
