she looked like the bat from fern gully.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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