Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
