this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
