Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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