Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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