I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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