she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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