One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Success! We fucked roommates!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
