Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
