you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
