Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
