Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
