Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
