It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
