she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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