at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
