I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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