I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize