i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
