Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
