Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
