upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize