You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
