He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
