he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
