I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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