mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
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