getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
