I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
