I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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