Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
