My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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