Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
