come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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