My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
