I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
