FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
