Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
