It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
foreskin is a definite game changer
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
