I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
