omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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