Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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