Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
