Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You dont lie about slip and slides
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
