Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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