Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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