My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize