He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
